It is common trap we can set for ourselves with asking ‘why?’, when something challenging shows up in life:  “Why me?” “Why did this happen?”, “Why did this happen to such a good person?”, “It’s not fair... why isn’t this different?”
 
Why is it a trap?  The problem with a question like ‘Why’, is you are looking for a way to figure out the reason or the justification for what has occurred, as if understanding it will make it all okay. But it won’t.  “Why” keeps you looking backwards and takes you further down the rabbit hole until you are so tied up in knots that you can’t see a different possibility.

A true question invites information and possibilities into your world.  A question gives you space and a sense of freedom.  Asking why never gives you space, it takes you round and round in ever shrinking circles. 

What if, instead of trying to understand stuff, you start acknowledging what is? Instead of going “why did this person choose this?” or “why is this person doing that?”, stop trying to figure it all out and go:  “Okay this is what’s going on.” 

Have you noticed that mostly you can never figure out the reason why because most times there is no “why” that ever makes sense?  Why would you keep on looking for something that doesn’t exist?  Can you make sense of an insane world?  No, you can’t.  But you can acknowledge what is happening, not judge it as right or wrong,  and ask a different question, like “What else is possible that I haven’t considered?”

With acknowledgment, you don’t have to try and make sense of anything, you don’t have to judge you or anyone else for the choices that have been made in the past or that are being made now.

It just is, and you can choose to move forward.  If you gave up trapping yourself with ‘why?’, what else would be possible to acknowledge, to be, and to choose?


 




Guilt and its related family members - blame, shame and regret, really have one job, and that is to distract you from what is true about you, and to stop you from perceiving what is actually possible in any moment.

What if the guilt was just another way of stopping you from being you?

What if there was another totally different choice available?

Guilt is a monster we use against ourselves to make us believe we have no value, and stop us from being and recognizing the gift that we actually are.

For example, a lot of people get upset and feel guilty at not being there when a friend or loved one passes. In my experience, I have perceived that often the person who passes actually chose to die by themselves. What if it is their choice of how and when they go?  What if, instead of feeling guilty about not being there, you would ask, “oh did this person choose to leave on their own?” What if you acknowledged that you were not wrong, and be open to the possibility that you were able to honour the person’s desire to leave the planet on their own terms?

Guilt can only occur when you are willing to judge and decide that you are doing something wrong.  Judging you is actually an unkindness that stops you from being the caring towards yourself – that exact same caring that is so valuable to you to be for others.  Isn’t that kind of crazy?

Every one of those points of view distracts you from the joy and possibility that is available in your life, and it stops you from being a contribution out in the world!  Giving up guilt not only expands your life, but the lives of everyone you touch.

Saying goodbye to the guilt monster doesn’t have to be difficult.  Here are two things you can do right now that can help you move out of guilt and into a different possibility:

 
1. Ask a Question, have Gratitude and Choose your life 10 seconds at a time.
Ask yourself each day: What else is possible today?  What am I grateful for? Universe show me something beautiful!  What would I like to choose now? You have a choice to be happy, be sad, be upset, be joyful, to celebrate, to commiserate. You can choose anything for 10 seconds, and then you can choose something else for another 10 seconds, and then choose again.  Practice living your life in 10 second increments. There is no right or wrong choice. If the guilt monster come up, give him 10 seconds, and then choose again!

2. Stop looking to the past.
What if nothing you have ever chosen was wrong?

 "Guilt, blame, shame, and regret are all conditioned distracters we use against ourselves to stop us from seeing the beauty of ourselves. In every moment we do what we can, with what we have available to us. Choice always creates awareness, and awareness is our vehicle for growth. What you know now may not be what you knew then and going back to the past to judge yourself for the choices you made or didn't make doesn't allow you the freedom to choose today."  - Extract from Dying Happy, The Gift of Choice by Wendy Mulder

Knowing what to say to someone who has just experienced the loss of a loved one or a significant trauma can be an area of discomfort and confusion for many people.  I often get asked “What’s the right thing to say or do here? I want to be there for them but I don’t want to say something that will make them more upset or make it worse.”

I recall when my mother passed away, some people completely disappeared from my life for months and months.  They didn’t know what to say or do, and avoided me and my family totally instead of getting in touch.  They would rather go away than show up and be vulnerable.  What if there is actually no right thing to say?  What if finding the right thing to say, do, or be was not actually what was required to contribute to someone who was experiencing grief?

For many people in the early stages of grief, all they want is for someone to be with them and they want to be able to talk about their loved one, and have someone just listen.  By being willing to be that space and to have no point of view about what they choose, you are being a true gift.


So if don’t know what to say, that’s ok! In fact, that’s often a great place to start.  What if you would just show up and say “Hi, I really don’t know what to say, but I just want to let you know that I am here.” It’s really not about the words, it’s actually about your willingness to be there with them without any barriers. If you are willing to show up, be present and vulnerable and ask what contribution you can be to that person - that is huge.  Don’t underestimate it!

A friend of mine said to me recently “Wendy, you are weird. You don’t see grief the way other people do.  I mean, who sees the gift in grief?  Most people see it as this terrible thing – grief is what you have to do when something bad happens!”

For most people grief is this part of life that is dreaded as something inevitable, sad, bad and horrible, something that is bigger than us that takes away ease, happiness and choices in our lives.

What if there was no right or wrong way to grieve? What if there was a lot more choice and possibility in grieving than is recognized?  What if grief was an awareness of change, that if you looked at just bit differently, could actually contribute to the expansion of our life and living, and not the diminishment of it?

We grieve for a lot of things  - not just the suffering or death of loved ones.  We can grieve for or have grief with relationships that don’t work, money problems, changes with our bodies or living situation.  All kinds of things.

If there was no right or wrong with grief and grieving, what possibilities and choices could exist for us?  If we allowed grief to be less fraught, could we allow more acknowledgement and celebration of the people and things we are grieving for?  And could we allow grief to be an invitation to gratitude for what we have had and do have, and to contribute to the awareness of the future we would also like to have beyond grief? 

There is a different way of being with grief that is available to us if we are willing to have a different point of view.

Join in a discussion on Blog Talk Radio with my friend and author of “Curing the Incurable”, Liam Phillips, as we talk about tips and tools for dealing with grief and disease from a totally different angle.

Join us live at 1pm EST on Friday 12th June, or listen to the replay here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/wendy-mulder/2015/06/12/grief-and-disease-done-different

What if the first gift of grief is rediscovering your ability  to be kind to you....?

Is kindness to you something that you know? How many of us have been taught to be more familiar and connected to the wrongness, sadness and getting it right! What if it wasn't about" whats wrong with me" so that I could fix it and grow...... What if you didn't have to fix anything? Would you have more of you?

What if you could experience the inner peace that comes with making choices for you… despite the addictions, the abuses and the stresses you are currently facing?  Would that be rewarding for you? 

Life and living goes on ! Do you want to live now or stay in the past? Here are some tips to assist you in living today for  the future.

·      A great Question to ask when you wake up in those mornings feeling sad and unhappy Ask Who does this belong to? 99.9999999% of the time its not yours. So then you can ask for everything all of that is to be returned to sender ,with consciousness attached.

 Most of us don't realise that what we are picking up everywhere we go is everyone else's thoughts, feelings and emotions.

·      Create a space  for yourself in your home and living .... where you can express yourself …           write, paint,.... laugh

·      Get moving –– ask your body what it would most enjoy! Walking, swimming, sailing, golf, yoga… What do you love?

·      Do you connect to nature  .... get out of the house..... go for drives, walks in the country … allow yourself to breathe in the fresh air, listen to the soothing sounds of nature and be aware of the peacefulness of everything around you.

·      Allow the release of your sadness and tears … allow these feelings to flow through you so that they don’t become overwhelming, all-consuming and a permanent part of you. ?

·      Could you be in allowance of everything that grief is for yourself and others?

Are You grateful for you today ?"Am I inviting  kindness with this choice ?"

Look forward to your questions and how much fun can we have on the www.10daysofsummit.com on the 30th August ...8th September 2015

 10 days of summit of living beyond grief!... unravelling, and  changing   the impacts that grief can have on your body, your money, your relationship and your work!

What if you never judged yourself for the emotions that come up as you are caring for someone you love?

My Mum died at my home, as was her request.  And in the last days I was caring for her almost 24 hours a day.  

My sister at that stage couldn’t cope very well with death and dying. For the last couple of nights I was up most of the night, and one night I remember going into the kitchen at 2 o’clock in the morning to put the kettle on and saying out loud:  “Oh for God’s sake Mum, will you just hurry up.”  Because that’s an emotion you get to.  You get fed up.  

My sister who was asleep in the lounge, was totally horrified that I would say that, and it made me laugh so much, because the look on her face was like;  “How could you say such a thing?”

It’s about not judging yourself for the stuff that comes up.  Because a lot of people will go into guilt.  “Oh my goodness, I said that.  I didn’t do that.  I should have done that...”  What if everything is okay as it is, including you!  

What if you could have gratitude for you and everything you are choosing on this journey that most people would not even have the courage to choose?  

When we have gratitude for what is possible and what we are choosing, there is no room for judgement.  And when there is no judgement, there can be ease and joy with what is.  Even if ‘what is’ is not what most people would see as joyful.

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Let’s talk about something that gets a lot of people all twisted up.  If you are going to care for someone, and you ask;  “Okay, is this going to work for me?  Is it going to be fun for me?” most people would say no.  And then they would still go to the space of;  “But I need to care for this person.  I would not desert them in their time of need.”  

How do you move from the space of “I should do, I must do, I have to, but I hate it” and all of the resentment and resistance that goes with making being a carer into a necessity rather than a choice?   

What if you could choose to be a carer from the space of;  “Wow!  This maybe not the funnest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m going to choose to do it, and what else is possible?”  

Firstly look at the language and change it:  “So what would it be like if I did choose to do this, and I actually did it with a lot more ease than I ever thought could be possible?”  Does that offer a totally different energy of where you could start from?

It’s a totally different energy to the energy of;  “I have to go do this now.”  We see this choice everyday with parents and their kids:  “Don’t talk to me at the moment.  I’m really busy.  I have to get this done.”  And what is under that is often “I’ve got to get it right.”  What if it’s not about getting it right or being ‘good’?  What if it’s more about: “What’s possible here that I’ve never thought of before?”

Making a different choice becomes possible when you are being aware of what you are actually saying. Ask:  “Am I choosing from the necessity of what I’ve already decided I have to do?”  What if you could change the decisions and choose from the space of what’s possible?

Like this:  “What if I could choose this?  How would that look, if I did choose this for me?  What could I be and do different here?  What if there was an easier way to do this?”

And if you’d like to remove all of the past decisions that are keeping you from having choice ask: “What point of view have I bought around this?”  Your point of view creates your reality.  So what point of view have you bought about – “I have to go and do this, because this is way everyone else does it” that is not working for you?  Change that and you’ll begin to choose for the joy of it, rather than the necessity.

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I had a great life that worked for me during the times when I’ve been caring for people.

By asking for the ease to show up,  I was clear that having a nurturing space for myself was essential.  

When I was physically caring for someone, I made a demand that I would get my Bars run and that I would have Access Consciousness® bodywork done weekly, so that my personal health and wellbeing was taken care of.  

Another really cool tool I used a lot was to uncreate and destroy my relationship with myself, in relationship to me, and also with every person I was working with, every day.  That created so much more ease as we would then be functioning from the energy of the moment, rather than past reference points or memories of how things used to be.  Every day could be a fresh choice for creating what would work for everyone.

So it’s not necessarily about having to have the same life you always had before.  A lot of people almost grieve the loss of the life they had before they were caring for someone as their life can become quite different.

If you are having a sense of grief for what you have ‘lost’,  then it is time to ask questions.  “What choice am I making here?  Is there another way for this to be that will work for me and the other people involved?  What can I add to my life that will make it fun for me?”  

You have to be aware that if you lose your joy of living just because someone else is dying, it doesn’t work for anybody. If you lose your joy, what does that contribute to the other person?  Nothing at all.  It solidifies what is and there’s no choice available when you are in the conclusion of ‘this is just how it is.’

What questions could you ask and what could you change that would allow you to love your life today?

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Have you found yourself in any of the boxes called ‘grieving widow’,  ‘single mum’, ‘divorced partner’ or ‘he did me wrong so now I’m a victim’?  These are all roles that we use to define ourselves.  And what if they are just definitions, what if they aren’t actually who we truly be?

If we are looking at grief and trauma – how much have you defined who you are by the role of what it is, rather than who you truly be?  Does defining something make it true, or does it just stick us with a whole lot of ‘common’ points of view that are not true for everyone?  

What if you are the anomaly rather than the definition of a limited role?  Would you be willing to choose that?  

What if that would create a whole new set of choices that weren’t available while you were sticking yourself with the point of view that ‘widows don’t.....’ or ‘single fathers have to....’ or ‘I was hurt so I won’t.....’.  What if these are all just stories that we tell ourselves?

Our point of view creates our reality.  So are you actually creating a future that you would like to have?  What if you ask:  “What could I be and do different here that would create a totally different possibility for me?  What is the different story of your life you could create that would allow you to choose the life you would like to live?

We fall into these roles because we compare ourselves to others.  If they are doing X then it must be right...  What if they have no idea????  What if they are just copying someone else?

Comparing ourselves to others is a habit.  Have you noticed how many people automatically compare themselves to others like, ten million times a day?

This occurs particularly in family relationships and in the situations we are talking about - where there are challenges.  “Oh, my sister’s doing more than me.  My brother doesn’t do enough.  I should be doing more.”  So how do you move out of all that sort of comparison into a space that works for you?  Cause you’ve done this.  So what did you do that was different?

One way to change this would be to get a sense of who you be.  Sometimes I say to people:  “Go back to when you were a tiny child and the joy of that.  Is that really, truly you?  Were you concerned about other people’s stuff?”  

Kids don’t care and they don’t compare.  They’re just like;  “Hello!  Here I am.  Hello.”

And it’s like animals and the trees.  They don’t go;  My branches are prettier than yours.

If you find yourself stuck in the trap of overthinking and comparing the life you have now to the one you used to have, or comparing who is doing what, there’s another amazing Access Consciousness® tool which unhooks your brain.   

Say this 30-50 times: “Everything is the opposite of what it appears to be, and nothing is the opposite of what it appears to be”  and it will take you into a space of where you can’t think about it and you can’t limit yourself by the roles you are trying to define yourself as.  How does it get better than that?  

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