What if you never judged yourself for the emotions that come up as you are caring for someone you love?

My Mum died at my home, as was her request.  And in the last days I was caring for her almost 24 hours a day.  

My sister at that stage couldn’t cope very well with death and dying. For the last couple of nights I was up most of the night, and one night I remember going into the kitchen at 2 o’clock in the morning to put the kettle on and saying out loud:  “Oh for God’s sake Mum, will you just hurry up.”  Because that’s an emotion you get to.  You get fed up.  

My sister who was asleep in the lounge, was totally horrified that I would say that, and it made me laugh so much, because the look on her face was like;  “How could you say such a thing?”

It’s about not judging yourself for the stuff that comes up.  Because a lot of people will go into guilt.  “Oh my goodness, I said that.  I didn’t do that.  I should have done that...”  What if everything is okay as it is, including you!  

What if you could have gratitude for you and everything you are choosing on this journey that most people would not even have the courage to choose?  

When we have gratitude for what is possible and what we are choosing, there is no room for judgement.  And when there is no judgement, there can be ease and joy with what is.  Even if ‘what is’ is not what most people would see as joyful.

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I had a great life that worked for me during the times when I’ve been caring for people.

By asking for the ease to show up,  I was clear that having a nurturing space for myself was essential.  

When I was physically caring for someone, I made a demand that I would get my Bars run and that I would have Access Consciousness® bodywork done weekly, so that my personal health and wellbeing was taken care of.  

Another really cool tool I used a lot was to uncreate and destroy my relationship with myself, in relationship to me, and also with every person I was working with, every day.  That created so much more ease as we would then be functioning from the energy of the moment, rather than past reference points or memories of how things used to be.  Every day could be a fresh choice for creating what would work for everyone.

So it’s not necessarily about having to have the same life you always had before.  A lot of people almost grieve the loss of the life they had before they were caring for someone as their life can become quite different.

If you are having a sense of grief for what you have ‘lost’,  then it is time to ask questions.  “What choice am I making here?  Is there another way for this to be that will work for me and the other people involved?  What can I add to my life that will make it fun for me?”  

You have to be aware that if you lose your joy of living just because someone else is dying, it doesn’t work for anybody. If you lose your joy, what does that contribute to the other person?  Nothing at all.  It solidifies what is and there’s no choice available when you are in the conclusion of ‘this is just how it is.’

What questions could you ask and what could you change that would allow you to love your life today?

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Many people are thrust unexpectedly into a situation where they become the primary carer for someone they love.  It is too easy to put all of our attention onto the ill person and to forget about our needs.  My question is, what if it’s possible to care for someone and to have your life and love living it among all of the disruption to ‘normality’?

When my mother was dying I was her care-giver and these are some of the tools I used to make sure that my life could continue with ease.

What if it’s actually about you?  
What if the situation is about you and includes you as well as the other person you’re caring about? It’s about choice.  It’s a choice and making the choice.  A lot of people go into the role of caring for someone and it’s more about: they should do it, they have to do it or they are obligated to do it rather than about making a choice to take on that role.

So right from the beginning, no matter who it is or what it is, is to be willing to go;  “Okay, is this a choice that would work for me?  Is this something that’s light?  And is this fun?”  

And then once you have that choice in place, then you can actually start putting certain things into action. You are clear. “This is a choice that I’m choosing.  Now, how can this work for me?  And how can I do this so much more easier than anyone else has done?”

But I don’t have a choice!
There’s another choice that comes up where people go;  “Well, I don’t have a choice.  I’m the only child.  There’s no other family.  There’s no-one that lives nearby.  I don’t have a choice.”  What is possible in this situation?  Asking questions will show you!  What types of questions could you ask?  

What is it you have actually communicated?  

Have you had a clear communication between you and the person you are looking after?  How much miscommunication has gone on? 

What if ‘this is just the way it is!” is not the end of the story?

What if there are a hundred thousand ways to care for you and your loved one... and only one of them becomes a diminishment of your life?  That’s the one where you give up everything including you to make sure the other person is cared for.

What role can you choose to play?
Making a choice to be the carer is one option.  You can also choose whether you would like to be the co-ordinator, the communicator or the person in charge of getting things done.  Which is a very different thing than doing every single thing for the person.

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There are so many conclusions people come to about what caring for someone looks like.  But do we ever ask ourselves how many different ways are there to care for and  look after someone who is in a difficult situation without it becoming a burden?  

One possibility would be to stop judging ourselves.  To stop going into the conclusions about how it is going to be and to start asking questions:  “Is it going to be fun?  How else can I do this?  Who else can assist me here?”  

Get clear on what is easy for you.  What if you don’t have to be a martyr?  Or a saviour?  Just because most people on this planet have the idea caring has to be really hard and difficult doesn’t mean it’s true.  

One thing that stops people from choosing ease is if you’re seen to be doing it really easily, there’s actually a lot of judgement attached to that.  People make it wrong for it to be easy for you!  We live in a strange strange world!

Being in allowance...
When my mother was living with me while she was dying and I was still having fun in my life, people thought I was pretending to be happy, pretending to be okay with it all.

A lot of my family were calling me and saying;  “We know that it must be very difficult for you at this time.” There were so many projections in there!  I came to realise that it was easier to just agree with them verbally as they would not get where I was coming from.

And this is something to be aware of if you are going to do things different to most people.  Only say to people what they can hear.  Because I could have tried to prove how different I was and what could be possible, but I didn’t, because I knew they couldn’t hear it.  

If you are choosing something different, get a sense of what you need to be or do that allows people to choose what they are choosing and for you to choose what you are choosing.  You need to be in allowance of your choices and the choices of other people - so this means don’t resist or react to their points of view.  And don’t align and agree with them either - just sit in the space of ‘this is an interesting point of view.’  

And don’t be hard on yourself if it takes some practice.  Being in allowance is a muscle that you build.  Few of us have finely developed allowance muscles when we start this journey!

How do you know what people can hear?
Be willing to listen to what they are saying and then asking the question energetically.  “Are they willing to receive this?”  If it feels light and expansive say it - if not - talk about something else or just say “Yeah.” And you can still keep on being happy.  Just because they can’t hear it doesn’t mean that you should stop being you!

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