That space comes from being willing to allow the person to choose what they are choosing and not to be in judgement of it. I have a sense that death is a choice - whether it is a cognitive choice for the person dying or not. So I don’t have this energy of superiority that I know what can fix them. I am willing to allow them to choose.
If they ask me a question, fantastic. I’m willing to hear what they are willing to receive. If they don’t ask me a question then I allow them to be with the diagnosis they have.
I was speaking with this man who has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and he's like; “Oh well this is what I’ve got. I knew I’d have to get something.” And I thought; “What??? Wow! Yeah.” There was no question in his universe. He was very matter of fact - he basically told me he had created it by the statement he made.
His point of view was “This is what I’ve got and I suppose it’s better because I don’t have prostrate cancer.” And he was really quite happy about it.
So my approach was to go; “Okay, cool. How does it get any better than that?” So there was nowhere in my universe that I wanted to have a point of view or ask him a question to get him to change. He wasn’t asking me anything and I was being in total allowance of that and I just gave him a big hug.
When you don’t have a point of view about illness or dying being wrong, you can’t stick the person into any space that limits their choices. I didn’t make him feel bad about not choosing anything besides what he was choosing.
So this is the thing when people are in a difficult situation, and the people around them are grieving. We can stick them with our point of view, or we can ask; “What is the contribution I can be when someone is diagnosed with a serious illness or something bad happens in their life? Would I like to choose grief, trauma and drama or the potential for a totally different space?”
What I’ve found is the more that you can actually BE, just being willing to be who you be, the more space you will create for the person dying or going through a challenging time.
Be willing to stay in the space of who you be. Be willing to be present with yourself. Be an interesting point of view. Be an interesting point of view with what the people around you are choosing. Be there for them.
What if you are the rock in the stream and you’re just being you? A lot of people lose perspective of who they be around grief or if they’ve been through a separation or whatever it is. So if you can be the rock in the stream and allow everything to flow around you while you still be you, you won’t get lost in it. I’m not saying that the tears are not going to come, that the sadness is not going to come. If you don’t get lost in the emotions, you can still be there for the person, and still there for yourself. You will find your way into a space of ease and peace much faster.