In the last few years I have known many people who have died - close family, best friends  and of course people that I have cared for as a registered nurse.  And yet I have a space and an ease with it that few people have.  When I talk about grief, I have a sense of lightness.  I don’t feel like crying. I have created a space with grief and dying that is different to what most people choose.

That space comes from being willing to allow the person to choose what they are choosing and not to be in judgement of it.  I have a sense that death is a choice - whether it is a cognitive choice for the person dying or not.  So I don’t have this energy of superiority that I know what can fix them.  I am willing to allow them to choose.

If they ask me a question, fantastic.  I’m willing to hear what they are willing to receive.  If they don’t ask me a question then I allow them to be with the diagnosis they have.  

I was speaking with this man who has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and he's like;  “Oh well this is what I’ve got.  I knew I’d have to get something.”  And I thought;  “What???  Wow!  Yeah.”  There was no question in his universe.  He was very matter of fact - he basically told me he had created it by the statement he made.

His point of view was  “This is what I’ve got and I suppose it’s better because I don’t have prostrate cancer.” And he was really quite happy about it.  

So my approach was to go; “Okay, cool.  How does it get any better than that?”  So there was nowhere in my universe that I wanted to have a point of view or ask him a question to get him to change.  He wasn’t asking me anything and I was being in total allowance of that and I just gave him a big hug.  

When you don’t have a point of view about illness or dying being wrong, you can’t stick the person into any space that limits their choices.  I didn’t make him feel bad about not choosing anything besides what he was choosing.

So this is the thing when people are in a difficult situation, and the people around them are grieving.  We can stick them with our point of view, or we can ask; “What is the contribution I can be when someone is diagnosed with a serious illness or something bad happens in their life?  Would I like to choose grief, trauma and drama or the potential for a totally different space?”  

What I’ve found is the more that you can actually BE, just being willing to be who you be, the more space you will create for the person dying or going through a challenging time.

Be willing to stay in the space of who you be.  Be willing to be present with yourself.  Be an interesting point of view.  Be an interesting point of view with what the people around you are choosing.  Be there for them.  

What if you are the rock in the stream and you’re just being you? A lot of people lose perspective of who they be around grief or if they’ve been through a separation or whatever it is.  So if you can be the rock in the stream and allow everything to flow around you while you still be you, you won’t get lost in it.  I’m not saying that the tears are not going to come, that the sadness is not going to come.  If you don’t get lost in the emotions, you can still be there for the person, and still there for yourself.  You will find your way into a space of ease and peace much faster.

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What if grief isn’t real? 


This is a very different point of view about grief, and yet, this idea offers one way out of being stuck in the solidity, the intensity and density of the thoughts, feelings and emotions we buy as real.

Our thoughts, feelings and emotions are not real.  How many thoughts, feelings and emotions have we bought as ours?  How aware are we?  And how much of a psychic sponge are we that we pick up everyone’s thoughts, feeling and emotions and buy it as ours?  

So what if that grief, that emotion that you are having around grief is actually not even yours?  And what if you are just actually picking it up from everybody all around you, where they have picked it up from everybody all around them and bought it.   You know that place we go to of “I’m doing it because this is what everyone else is doing. If everyone else is doing it, it must be real.”

This has gone on for centuries.  And what if now is the time to change our points of view about what grief truly is?  So if grief is not real, what do you do with that emotion or feeling that seems like grief?

What most people do with it, is they make it really significant and it feels very heavy.  If something is really light for you, it’s true, and if something is heavy, then it’s not true for you. So take the energy of grief that you have right now - is it light or heavy?

We’ve bought the idea if we have a feeling or an emotion and its heavy; “Well, oh my goodness, right, there’s that feeling and there’s that emotion and it’s really destroying me and it must be real.”  

I know that it is possible to actually move past that.   I know it is possible that you can  have separations or you can have someone die, or you can have an animal die or you can lose your job or you can lose your money and if you actually don’t go into the significance and heaviness of it, and it’s just like;  “Wow!  What else is possible here?” then you can move beyond the grief.

Asking questions is a great way to shift the energy of grief.  When you ask:  “Who does all this belong to?”  and return to sender everything that is not yours, you may notice the energy around your situation getting lighter.

Or you can ask:  “Is this light for me?” Because if it’s light, it’s true for you.  If the grief or a situation is really heavy and it’s impacting on your body with aches and pains ask: “Is this really how it’s supposed to be?”  You could just go;  “Is this light?  No.  Who does this belong to?”   Or “What else could I choose here?”   

Or if you are going down the rabbit hole into sadness and depression, go talk to someone.  Ask the question – Who could I talk to?  Who could I speak to who could assist me to get me out of this?

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