The joy of living is our ability to choose and change all the time – but we seem to only embrace it when it aligns with our definition of what ‘good’ change is!
 
When we have decided that it’s a ‘good’ change, we allow it to improve and enrich us; when it’s ‘bad’ change, we experience deep loss and go into a sense of lack.  But what creates the idea of what changes are good and which are bad?
 
The choice to experience change as loss is a symptom of a bigger societal trend.  It is not actually what would necessarily work for you, or be in your (or anyone else’s) best interest.  What if the whole concept of loss is based solely on how you have seen everybody else do it, how you have been taught to do it, and prevails only because you think you have no other choice? It would be too weird to grieve differently – or would it?  What if you could start to make the choice to see things differently, and what if you could experience all change, any change, with a sense of gratitude and of possibility?

As someone who nurtured both my parents and my best friend in their way out of life, I realised that we have so many different choices when it comes to grief, loss and change in our lives. And the less judgment we have of things, the more joy and beauty is available in every moment.

What if death, or those changes we have been taught to believe in as the ‘losses’ in life, were not the bad and wrong things we have been told, but a change that creates a different possibility for everyone involved?
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Imagine being able to be there for someone who is dying with kindness, gratitude and non-judgment.  What difference would that make for them, and you?  Imagine being able to farewell a loved one and allow your life to become greater, and not less as a result of the contribution they were in your life, whether that was for a long while, or a short while? Imagine being able to have the sadness of saying goodbye to something or someone you loved, but never losing the sense of possibility, the connection with joy, gratitude and greatness that is part of you?

There are gifts in every moment.  Every change, no matter whether society tells us it’s a desirable change or not, has endless possibilities – if we are willing to receive the gifts they bring us.

When we experience a significant change or loss in our lives, is it true that there must be a time to grieve, a time to heal, and a time that comes when we can, at last, move forward?

We have been taught to believe that there is structure and framework to grief – for example, “The five stages” of grief tell you that grief is made up of feelings and emotions of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as a part of dealing with loss.

A common misconception is that if you move on too quickly, it’s not real; you are in denial, you are suppressing your true sadness, or you are doing something wrong.  People can develop a sense of guilt about being happy when they have lost a loved one, or don’t want to ‘move on’ because they believe it is dishonouring of their memory. What if none of this is real or true?  Would your loved one really want you to be sad?

What if you didn’t have stay miserable to prove how much you cared?  What if you could care, have gratitude, and yes, tears and sadness too – but what if you could choose, rather than do it the way everyone else says is correct? And what if joy could be part of it all, too?

I know a young lady whose father passed away when she was 15.  Her mother very shortly after re-kindled a high-school romance, whilst she instead spent the next 10 years using the loss of her father to explore her own ideas about death, change and life, and in the process contributed to many others who had also experienced loss.  Neither of these ways of dealing with loss is wrong, and the young woman is grateful for her experience in creating the person she is today. She realised that when she didn’t buy into any belief that her mother moved on too quickly, or that she took too long to move on, she could see the gift that each of their journeys was to their own lives and each other.

Moving forward isn’t about leaving anything behind, or ‘getting over’ a trauma, but choosing to live in each moment. It is making a choice to be present and grateful in life, even when things are not so rosy.

If there’s one thing that I have learned by my own journey with losing loves ones, is that every moment is a gift and you can receive all of it with ease, if you are willing! 
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What gift could we be in the world if we didn’t worry about how to grieve or how to move on, and just chose in the moment whatever it is we need to choose?